For my next number, “Resume Blues” (Updated)

As I’ve said, I am enrolled in a number of job sites. While none of them strike me as outstanding, at least some don’t charge a fee. (That’s like the old joke where two old-timers are having a meal in a restaurant. “The food here stinks,” says one. “Yes, and the portions are so small,” says the other.)

So one of them offers a free resume critique. Not surprisingly, mine was no good.

https://i2.wp.com/blogs-images.forbes.com/jacquelynsmith/files/2012/10/0805_resume-dont-graphics_650x455-300x210.jpg

One comment that struck me as funny was

Unfortunately, your existing resume gives the impression that you are a “doer” and not an “achiever.”

Sorry, isn’t “doing” and “achieving” pretty much the same thing? Or has it become one of those millennial code words that’s take on a new, contradictory meaning? Semantics.

After pointing out all the things that are wrong with my current CV — without any specifics pertinent to my case — we get to the heart of the matter: the sales pitch.

To reiterate, we believe that your resume could do a much better job of selling hiring managers on your value as a potential employee. We are concerned that your skills may be overlooked. In today’s extremely competitive job market, you need to win over hiring managers quickly and convincingly. Without some overall improvements, your resume probably won’t generate the attention it deserves.

We’d be happy to help you create a better resume. Through our professional Resume Writing Service, you will work with a professional resume writer, who can help you perfect your resume and showcase your distinctive skills and qualifications. Your writer will be chosen based upon your industry and experience. They will provide expert help in choosing keywords for your resume so it will resonate with hiring managers instead of falling victim to some of the latest screening techniques. All in all, we feel we can help you get through the gatekeeper and be called for more interviews.

The cost of having your resume written by a professional is normally $249. However, for the next 48 hours, you can receive a 15% discount. That’s only $209 (a $40 savings). This offer expires on 01/04/2017. Click here to take advantage of this special offer or call 888-xxx-xxxx to speak with a Career Advocate. Here is some additional information on our Resume Writing Service…

And they go on to tell you all the wonderful things they’ll do if you hurry up and take advantage of their limited-time offer.

https://i2.wp.com/www.doddlenews.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/resume-cartoon-Linchi-Kwok-Blog.jpg

Of course, I kind of have to wonder, because if they really did look at my resume, they would see I followed many of their recommendations (this ain’t my first rodeo).

Maybe I can turn this experience into a “talking blues,” a la Chris Bouchillon or Woody Guthrie…

 

Sadly, I’m no longer shocked by those who would seek to take advantage of the most vulnerable among us. Maybe that should be my niche: investigative journalism. Find an outlet that will hire me to look into all these companies and report on their findings. There are so many out there promising one thing or another that I should be set for life.

UPDATE: I was so overwhelmed by all the criticism over the resume I overlooked this:

Your resume lacks an objective statement, which employers expect to see on the resumes of candidates with only a few years of experience. (emphasis added)

Wow, talk about damned if you do/damned if you don’t: I’ve had basically two jobs in my adult life. The first one lasted 22 years, the most recent 12. If that’s what they consider “only a few years of experience”…

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